Well lets see here, I'm almost 6 months pregnent now. My life now resembles that of a soap opera. The baby to b's dad had moved back in and has a new/old girlfriend and he has moved her in here also. Her and I had a nice little heart to heart yesterday. Her and I have not been getting along and you may think 'well that's for obvous reasons' well it is not. She was also thinking that I am still madly in love with the dad/her bf but I'm not. Yes I do love him but as my friend and the father to my baby and that is it. I will not say that the romantic fealings are no longer there, it's just that I have packed them away so that he and I are able to move on with our own lives. So that was her reason, my reason is that I flat out dont trust her. I was asked to give her a second chance, swering that she changed from what she was before but I didnt see that and I did honestly try. And my bigest fear is that when this baby is over visiting daddy and she is taking care of it, that something will hapen to it. And it's not the whole step-mother jelousy thing because I went through it with my oldest and this is compleatly diffrent.

So I told her all of this yesterday, I know it hurt her fealings, but I will tell you the same thing I told her. I wasn't trying to hurt her fealings, that was not my intentions. I know it hurt to hear it, but it was something that I need to say so that I could be true to my self and how I want my children raised and that is to be straight to the point and honest. Truth may hurt, but lies hurt more.

 

Well it is about time for some updates. After 5 years of wanting and praying for another baby, I'm finaly pregnet. Due December 11th. Now granted I did want to have another baby, but I honestly didn't think that if I got pregnet a second time that it would turn out like it was when I was pregnet with my first. When I was pregnet with my first the babys dad found out and acted like he didn't know me. Now this babys dad accepts the fact that it is his baby, but up and moved out and to another town that is an hour from here. At first he wanted me to move with him and I was going to, but I got to thinking and decided that it was just too far out of the way for me. That and being that I was going to have a baby I want to be around people that care about me and near a hospital. Not to mention that I go into labor I need a place for my son to go.

Then the babys dad, who I thought was my friend took something that I said to him in confidance about another friend and told her about it and started a fight between us. Granted I did say that about her and I told her that I said it but I told him in confidence as a friend because I was scared that she would be like that again towards me. Needless to say that just two days after he started this fight he came back here to get some of his stuff and showed up with a hickey on his neck telling me that they have now gotten together. Even after he promiced me that he wouldn't do anything with her. I only asked this of him because the last time the he dated one of my friends her and I got into a big fight over it and I didn't want that to happen again.

So after that happned I told him that I wasn't going to move down there with him even though I still wanted to, but I just felt that it wouldn't be a wise move for me and my children. He then decided that he was going to have his girlfriend move in with him. So that pisses me off even more. But what can I do, it is the story of my life... Get knocked up and left to fight for my own. And the guys I have meet lately just make me want to give up on dateing entirely.

Oh and by the way, I was on the pill but whoops that didn't quite work like it was suspose to. But realy, it's all good. I did want to have another baby. All of this bull will just make me stronger.

Well yet again shit has changed quite a bit in my life. My B-friend and I broke up early december and yes sir re... I still live with him. Up untill last friday, his other x the one just before me prety much still lived here. And that is a long ass story that I just dont feal like typing up, but despite what you all may think I realy didn't mind living with her all that much. Yes I had my jelousy times but Ive been prety good at keeping the jelousy at bay. There is only one thing about her that bugged me and not to get that much into it I will just say that I didn't need to be around it and most deffently my son did not need to be around it. So ya it is quite hard living with my x-bfriend but at the same time I couldn't imange living with anyone else. He keeps me laughing every day and makes me smile when I'm down. He is one of my best friends and it will be one sad day when he and I no longer live together. But in the mean time I enjoy and hate living with him. HAHAHAHA. The only reason I say hate is because I still have fealings for him and to see and hear about other girls is just hard on any one. But I deal.

About a month ago I had to start going to the workforce center because I signed up to be on MFIP and social services requires you to go to that for 4 months or untill you find a job. And after 4 weeks of being there they require you to stay there for the full day 8:30am till 2:30pm and after 6 weeks they make you volenteer at some place or another. Now answer me this,,, how are you suspose to find a job if you are stuck at some volenteer job all day long? So today started my 4th week there, so thank god I got hired at a full time job this afternoon. I am just dancing cuz no more workforce center. That place sucks that bad. Granted there are some realy cool people that are stuck going there too and it will be sad not to see them anymore... but hey,,, no more workforce center. And the place isn't all that bad. They did after all pay for me to get my NA/R(nursing assistant/regesterd) back. But the problem is that my full time job has nothing to do with nursing, and neither does my part time. so hopefully some time in the near future I will be able to get a job at a nursing home where I can work 1 day a month to keep my regestery. Other wise I will loose it again if I don't work as a NA/R for 24 months and all my hard work would have been all for not.

Well I better sign off, I need to rest up since I work both jobs on wensday for a total of 16hours with a whole wopping 1 hour brake between the two. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Heavens to betsy a lot has (I mean like 90%) of my life has changed since I last posted a journal entry. Thats one of the main reasons I haven't posted in a loooooooong time. To get straight to the point my husband decided to leave me for another woman. It was unbeleavably hard to go through. Not just for my self but for my son too. My son has knowen my soon to be x-husband as his father since before he was 2 years old. This all happned about mid October and to this day my son is still saying things every now and then about his daddy. He has gotten a lot better with it since then but I know it still hurts him. Time will heal.  And today would have been mine and my x's  4 year wedding anniversary. The day is still early and I've been doing good so far, we will see what the rest of the day brings. I have been keeping my self quite busy though. I have a new boyfriend. Well he's not nessarly new... He was the last guy that I went out with before I hooked up with my x.  It all started back up when I sat down one day and decided what the heck I'll call David, since my x hated him. I talked to him on the phone for a while and asked him to come over. When I first saw him, all my fealings for him came rushing back to me. As if they had never left me. Well in a way they never did leave me. Over the past five years since I last saw him, I had always asked around about him and thought about him. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him that day, but I held back since the chances of him being my rebound would have been high. And I didn't want to do that to him of all people. It was wonderful to see him again and talk to him, it was like we never stoped being frineds. You know how it is when you first meet someone or haven't seen someone in several years. There are moments of silance/ocward moments. Those didn't exist that day or any day after. So then we started hanging out damn near every day and I fell harder and harder for him. I always knew that I loved him, even when we were together the first time, but was always afraid to admit it to him. Well that all changed one night. He was drunk and I figured that would be a perfect time to tell him that I loved him, thinking that he wouldn't remember it or pay little attention to it. But, nope, he heard it...

So to make a long story short. My x and I will soon be getting a divorce and then I have to wait 6 months after the divorce is finalized and then I can get remarried. And that is what David and I are planning on doing. It is sad that we lost the past five years, but it is also a good thing since we BOTH needed to grow up. We were far too young then I was 20 he was 18. David treats me better in one day than my x ever did in the five years that we were together.

Well Friday I went in and had two of my wisdom teeth pulled. I went nite nite for it and I was scared at first since I have never been put to sleep for anything but it wasn't all that bad. All I remember is them giving me the gas then the nurse asking me to make a fist but I was having a hard time doing that since the gas was so high I was already  dosing off. I remember fealing the prick from the nurse giving me the IV but I didn't realy give a hoot at that point. Then I remember fealing her strap my hand to the dentist chair and next thing I knew I was being shuffled off to the recovery bed. So that wasn't too bad, but my bottem jaw still hurts since the bottem wisdom tooth was impacted. Hopefully it will start fealing better soon, I'm getting tired of living off of soft foods because it hurts too much to chew.

Then Jordan's teacher call me this moring since I wrote her a note telling her that I would like to wait untill after confrences in october to decide if I want to send him to Team(well I call it special ed). When she called she assured me that Team is not the same thing as special ed but her deffination of team is 4 kids with one teacher working on the childs problem. My deffination of special ed that I have had sicne I was in elementry is 1-5 kids with one teacher working on the childs problem. Now I know that new thing with the presidents "no child left behind" act. But special ed is special ed even if you change the damn name. And every time I have seen a person that has gone to special ed, well lets just say that I think special ed does more harm than good. My personal opinion is that if a child gets placed into special ed they will get use to that inviroment where it is easer then when/if they get placed back in to the regular class they can't handle the work sicne they are use to the easy inviroment of special ed. Now I said "if" they get placed back into the regular calss because how often do you see a child go to special ed then get place back into the classroom? I have only seen that once and that was for my self. But there is a nother story with that which makes me more unsure of sending Jordan to special ed.

When I was in 5th grade I bleave they sent me to special ed for my "socalizing" skills so to say. Because I was a very quite kid. Well in this special ed they had me with one other person that was already my best friend at the time. So how exactly would that have helped me socalize? I'll tell ya how... It didn't. I came out of there just as shy as I went in there. If you ask me that was a compleat waste of everyones time. Just another example of why I think special ed should be left for kids that have true learning dissablities and have no chance what so ever of making it in the normal class room inviroment.

I've had a tun of journal views lately but I haven't posted in 2 weeks. weard...

Anywho, I haven't posted for a while since I've gotten myself occupied first with kirstie's wedding now with Harvest Moon AWL. That game is sooooooo addicting.

So the night of kristie's wedding was pretty cool n all. It started out on the boring side since my husband couldn't join me and sam's BF was stuck on the idea that he was sick(not saying that he wasn't). So we were moping around for a while, then we joined sam's sister and her bf in the bar thats connected to the hall we were in.  Started drinkin and things started looking brighter. Then I talked my husband into comming all the way to pick up my drunk rear so sam could start drinking too. I just thought it was ironic that we were partying(bar-hopping) with sam's sister, the one that put a stop to our after prom party before it even started, and we weren't even going to be drinking that night.

I wen't to the oral surgen today for my conciltation before friday's extraction.(Yes, i'm finaly going to get those damn wisdom teeth pulled out.) I got asked 3 times by 3 diffrent people how old I was, Couldn't they wright it down and stop asking? And the x-ray's that the crappy dentist clinic sent over were from 2002. What the heck is up with that? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think that my mouth has changed since then. So the Dental teck lady took a new x-ray and I looked both at the old one and the new one(and I cannot tell x-ray's to save my life) And even I could tell that there was a huge change in my mouth. So the crappy dentist people that sent my refferal told the surgens that I needed to have all my wisdom teeth pulled which I told them not to but they did. And the surgen had his mirror thing in my mouth so I couldn't tell him it was only going to be my right two, so he was going on saying that I was going to need a lot of stitches, which made me even more scared than I was before. I finaly got a chance to talk and told him it was only the right two, then he was telling me that I should have gotten them out when I was 18 and I always have been in the firm beleaf that if you don't need them pulled then why pull them and this comes from my orgional dentist that I've had since I first had teeth. Then he told me "well it's better to get them pulled at 25 rather than 35" I'm thinking that my sister is 45 years old, has a broken wisdom tooth but it's not bothering her so she has no plans to pull it unless it does. As I was looking at the new x-ray my wisdom teeth on my left side looked straight so I realy don't see the need to pull them unless one of them gives me migranes like my top right one did, but I don't think that they will go in crocked like my bottem right is. They told me that since that one is bascally parell to my jaw bone that they might bruse my nerve which has me worried cuz what if they brake the nurve then there goes the fealing on the right side of my jaw. I already feal like my body is defective enough, lets just add a numb face to the picture.

So ya they are making me take out my eyebrow ring but I can leave my ear(cartlage) ring in. What exactly do they need those out for? Their pulling teeth not giving me plastic surgery. The Dr. also said that they will give me gas before they put the IV in so it doesn't bother me, I was amused by that one, I had an IV when I was giving birth and it didn't bother me so why would it bother me now? I can see with some people since they are affrade of needles but not me, heck when ever the nurse has to take blood I always watch as they do it. I wouldn't think that I'm scared of needles concidering I've been tattoo'd 8 diffrent times and they are not small tattos either.

Well I guess it is about time that I post a journal entry. I'll start with yesterday. The day before yesterday I made plans to go to kristie's wedding reception next saterday with Sam. Well I called my mom lastnight like I usualy do when my son gets back from his dads. And as I was talking to her I was going to ask her if she would meet me in that town later that saterday and pick up Jordan since it most likely will turn into a late night. Thats when she told me that my sister was going to have a b-day party for my neice and nephew (godson and goddaughter), they are born a week apart so we celebrate them the same day. Well my family does mean dearly to me, expessaly since they are my god children but I had already made plans and it is important to myself that I go. I want to go because it's a good chance for me to see some of my old friends again and ect. I mean how many chances do you get for that? And how many times do I see my family. That comparison alone wins the debate. Pluse they are only turning 8 they will not miss me that much. And if I went to my family's I would be sitting on my ass the whole time talking to myself.(just the way my family is with me). So I said that to my mom and she got pissed at me. She was telling me to tell them that I already had plans, which is true, but my plans are with them not my family. That just pisses me off since I'm just automaticaly expected to have no life and be there at a drop of a hat. Now if this was my bro or sis in my situation then they would change the date, actually they would have been asked ahead of time if that day and time was alright. But NO not melissa. Then my mom calls me back today as says that I can go to the reception, like I need her permission or something. News flash mom, I was already going.

Then tonight I was baking a pie, no big deal, usualy. Well I took it out of the oven, took off the foil so the crust would brown and put it back in. A few mins later I looked down the hall into the kitchen and the whole appartment was FILLED with smoke, yet no smoke alarm(go figure that out) so I turned off the oven and turned on all the fans to clear out the smoke and as I was getting the last one going someone was knocking at my door. So I answered it and she asked if someting was on fire. I was just thinking 'ya somethings on fire, but I'm just sitting in my appartment hoping that my son and I wont burn to death.' I know she was just checking, and it is nice to know that people do care, but jese, no fire alarm and it smelt like burnt food. o well she was just being nice.

TT4N

Man was yesterday a looooooooong day. Got up at 7am and didn't get to sleep till 2am. Too much to do and not enough time to do it.  My mom needed me to go and pick up her perscription and they wern't going to give me the one that my mom needed the most. They were tring to tell me that it wasn't time for it to be filled yet my mom is on her last pill. If that doesn't say it's time to be filled then what does. So I had to fight with them just a bit for it but they finaly gave it to me. Then I went to the post office to complain about my stupid mail lady. Ok so here's the deal. I have been living here for 4 years and in those past for years there have been a tun of occasions where I haven't gotten a bill, letter, card or more. She consently leaves mail on the shelf buy the main door to the building and mixes our mail up(i get someone elses mail-they get mine). So I've been down to the post office 3-4 other times in the past 4 years complaining of this exact same problem. When I was talking to the guy he kept asking me if the senders have the right addy and I kept telling him that I have checked time and time again and they do have the right addy. Heck I get things from the state and they have turned up missing. And when I told him about the mail on the shelf, he told me that she probably puts it there because it's an unknowen address. That's all understandable and all, but I've found my mail in that pile diffrent times with my full and correct address on it. So then he shut up when I said that. Being that this was my 4th-5th time down there for this i was doing a great deal of complaining. He said that he would talk to her but he's said that before. If it happens again I'm just going to have to complain louder and louder till they actually do something about her. I'm realy sick and tired of getting late fees because my mail doesn't get delivred to me. Sick of woring that a peice of mail with personal info gets in someone elses box and then here comes identy theft. Thats just what I need added to my life. Like I'm not enough in debt, let's add a bad credit record to it.

As you can tell from my prevous posts that I was busy this morning. I got the creative bug when Jordan left for school. This summer when I went camping at Itasca I bought this school memory book for Jordan. There is a section for each grade and the front cover has a place for photos for each grade but Kindergarden. So I was filling in some of the blanks in that today too. He had a prety fun day from what he told me. He doen't remember his teachers name yet, but that is understandable since she has quite an unusal name.

It was tearbly hot out today so I didn't get to the cleaning I was hoping on doing. This post is just a bit on the boring side I see, but if you look at my earler posts for the day, they are quite better.

Yes this could have been posted with my prevous entry but I felt that each pome should have it's own. This is also up here for Sam to see again since she was a bit confused with the events that took place the day that inspired me to write this pome. So here it is, hope it fills in some blanks for you Sam.

Chip

As time ticks by,
I still feel the loss.
The loss of what could have been,
A person of may vertues.
Someone filled with life,
With Joy all around him.
Now you have no life,
I pray you still have the joy.
You were taken from us,
Far too suddenly.
I never got to say 'good bye',
I still beat my self for that.
On that day I should have been happy,
After all it was my birhday.
All I could do was cry,
Nothing but shed my tears.
I was screaming in pain,
Inside and out.
Screaming for days on end,
To this day I still do.
Why was I the one to tell her,
Thell her that her love was gone.
You should have been there,
Be the one to hold her.
I know you are out there,
Watching over me.
I shall never forget you,
Till the day we meet again.

Thanks to the Muse, she comes and sends me insperation to wite my pomes, make my crafts ect. Some of you may think my pomes are crap, but to me they are my best work and that is what matters the most. But hey in never hurts to hear a compliment to boost that ego just a bit.

I wrote this pome this morning for my son, inspired by his first day back to school.

Makes me just a bit weepy eyed.

Yepeeeeeeeeeeeeee, School starts tomarrow. I cant wait, I get the day time to my self again. I am kind of sad though cuz it will be lonely with out Jordan but at the same time it will be quite nice to have some much needed mommy time each day. I haven't had any real mommy time since school let out last year. Once Jordan goes to bed then DJ gets home from work and he is much like a kid himself so not much time to my self. I love my family with all my heart, but there is nothing quite like having time to my self.

Jordan is in a lot better mood today after yesterdays events that I must send great thanks to his father for.  I talked to my mom today about what Jordan said to me yesterday. And decided that the next time they call up and ask for an extention on their weeked, I'll just casualy comment in some way or another that the last few times Jordan has come home upset by things he heard from his father about me. Maybe that will stop them, then again it could make things worse. These are not your advrage people we're talking about.

I also told my mom about my decision to tell Jordan that his father was lieing to him, and that I didn't want to but I had no choice. She told me that I was right, they are digging their own hole and setting them selfs up for that. She adgrees that they have no right to tell Jordan things about me, expessaly lies. I just cross my fingers and pray that Jordan will not end up with phsycolical problems because of his situation and I pray that he will either see his father for who he truely is one day, or that his father will shape up and change(ya right). it's been 7 years that I have knowen his father and he is the exact same Jerk now that he was then. So I doubt that he will change.

I realy do feal sorry for my son, he is an inosent and shouldn't have to go through this crap with his dad. But what can I do other than sit back and let his dad do these things. I've tried talking to his dad about diffrent problems but he just turns things arund to me and accuses me of things and then the fight begins. Like with my last title 'Never Ending Trend'.  I do try to work things out, I've tried to be his friend for Jordan's sake but it never works. All I can realy do is what I've been doing and that is be there for Jordan and correct the wrong and lead him down the right path.

So ya, today Jordan told me that his dad said we(husband and I) were poor. Yet again another lie told to my son that makes him get upset. Jordan was yelling at me today for being poor. I told him that we wern't poor and asked him where he heard that and he said that his daddy told him and that he says it all the time. So ya I was a bit upset by this, he's only 6 years old he shouldn't be hearing things like that, things that make him upset, and he shouldn't be lied to just so his dad can feal supperior and make me look bad to my son. So I thought about it and decided that I had to tell Jordan that his father is lieing to him. I didn't want to have to say it, I don't like saying bad things about his father to him and I don't but his dad left me with real choice. I had two options, 1. I let his dad continue to lie to Jordan and let Jordan continue to be upset with me and the world because of them. or 2. I tell Jordan that his dad is lieing. Now if you have read my earlier post you can tell that his dad and I don't get along in the least, but I always try to be cival with him when my son is around. I never bad mouth his dad around Jordan and try to stear clear of arguments when Jordan is around. But his dad is the compleat oppset. Obvously he bad mouths me to Jordan and He will try to pick arguments when I drop Jordan off. Jordan shouldn't have to go through this. Sam told me that I should bring up the lieing with his dad or his nana if she would be better to talk to.  But I don't think that would work since his dad and I can't talk, it always and quickly ends with him getting tempred and me holding my ground wich is one BIG argument. Then there's talking to his mother. That wouldn't work since the last time I said something like this to her his dad got ticked and yelled at me for talking to her, then there's the fact that he's her son and she will stand by him even if she doesn't adgree. I just wish there was a way to get him out of mine and my son's life. Heck it's not like the child support I get even helps. Raising a kid on a lousy $291 a month, please get real. That money is suspose to pay for half of what I have to pay to raise Jordan and that $291 barely covers a quarter of Jordan's expenses. I sure would be nice to be able to afford a good lawyer and take his butt to court and get him out of our lives. Jordan would be so much better of with out him in the long run. I honestly feal that a few years from now Jordan will be going to a psychrest because of this. It's actually already showing that he will need it. He was at the school social worker last year every week to help with his anger and I searously looked into a child physiolgest this summer but came up with nothing in this lousy city.

There is only one thing that I truly regret from my past and that is going to Social Services and getting assistance, because they made me fill out that stupid form so they could get his dad to pay them. Looking back now I know that my parents would have helped me and his dad wanted nothing to do with him till that fert. test was done. I should have left it all alone, and lived my life with out it. Thats the only thing I regret, I don't even regret going to the fair in town here that night where I met Jordans father where my friend left me stranded and I HAD to let him give me a ride home and then take advantage of me just because he gave me a ride. BASTARD!!!!!

I better end this I'm getting a little past way to angry. And I don't want to go to bed angry, that only leads to nightmares.

Stupid rain. Rain clouds come and you feal a drop, 2 secs. later it's down poring. Only in Minnesota. Reminds me of the day that my middle nephew (Brandon) Graduated. It was just this past June. He went to a school in an extreamly large city(Rochester). His high school had 400-500 kids per grade easy. My school was 80-100 per grade. Quite the diff. Any how since the school was so large they had the cermony at RCTC(collage). yea cotten eye joe- excuse me while I act stupid for a min. Alright, better now.  Where was I... o ya, k. So we were in the gym building and we got there EARLY so we could actualy get decent seats since my parents are in their 60's and can't hike up the bleachers that well. So we were sitting there and sitting and sitting and sitting and then when it was starting time a guy on on the mic and said that they had to evac the building and get us to the designated shelter area since a tornado was spoted in a town that was near by. So we start moving out and by this time there were several thousand people in the gym so it was shuffle shuffle scoot scoot. We get out of the building and the skys are offly scarry looking and keep walking. Now my Dad is not the fastest so my oldest nephew (Ryan) and I and my mom too, stick with him. I figured if my dad was going to get scooped up by a tornado, I was going with him. We got about half way there and it started to sprinkle. The rain got heaver progressavly and since Ryan is taller than me(I'm 6'), I used him to block the rain. (smart thinking, huh?). We were about 10' from the doors and it started down poring so we got a bit wet while we had to wait for everyone to shuffle shuffle scoot scoot in the doors. We were in that building for about 10mins or so with a tun of smelly wet people. Ry and I were watching the rain from the doors and decided that we would make a run for it so we could get our seats back other wise we would have lost them by the time the rest of my family would have made it. So the rain let up a bit but it was still prety heavy, we made a run for it. Now I was wearing sandles, had my hair all nice and curled up, and man that was a bad idea. First point, I can't run to save my life(never did in High School either) and the puddles and my sandles and poor socks. Not a good decision. But hey at least we got our spots back. Then the graduation finaly started and it was looooooooooooooooooooooong. I told Ry that he best get use to it, next is his bro Josh and his cuz Tyana (actually Marisa's is next but he's not required to go to her's, cuz's don't requiere that) and a year after Josh will be Jordan, by the way things look Jordan will be going to the High School in town here and each grade is the same as Rochester (400-500 kids per grade). I told him thats one of the perks of being Jordan's godfather. Heck I have to go to Josh's Grad. and Tyana's Grad the same year cuz their both my god children. But it's not that bad. I love them so I'll do what I need to show my support.

I finaly got that Cross Stitch Pattern done. So now I gotta change all the patterns from the Photo-x Pro program before my trial runs out and switch them to JPG's to put on my craft site. I got one chart transfered and uploaded to the web. Yeah! Only a kagillion more to go.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to work I go......

I ate way too much chicken salad today so now my stomach is all churney. I finaly got a chance to get on the computer and print off all of my cross stitch/crochet patterns so I can file them in binders and on to the book shelf. I have about 160+ that I need to print off and my printer is going at the speed of a snail, probably slower. It has been printing now for over half an hour and its only on page 11. Sleepy time. I just hope that they finish printing before my husband gets home. If he sees me printing all these pages off he'll give me a lecture like he always does. And as always I'll tune him out. But he doesn't have much to complain about since I'm using that $12 refill ink that you can usualy get 3-4 refills out of. It's not like we were using it for anything else since that stuff is a peice. It drips like half the ink out after you fill it then you need to print right away cuz the next day it will have driped the rest out and then ya got nothing. So I may as well use it on this project.

I gotta cut this short, Sam's wanting to play pool on yahoo. Maybe I'll post more later. TT4N

Well today Jordan came home finaly, I was so gald to see him after a week. I guess that he was fealing home sick today. His father lied again. I was told that they were going to go camping last weekend then something came up and they requested to keep him untill today and that he would use his vacation time and that they were going camping monday-wensday. Well when Jordan got home we asked him how he like camping and he said that he didn't go camping. I asked him if he went to day care and he said that he did and that he went yesterday too. I don't know if he went on monday and tuesday too but I'm sure he did. My problem with this is that earler this year, around march, he asked if they could have Jordan every other week during to summer to put him in his wifes day care. I told him no and then his wife got involved and accused me of leaving Jordan sit in front of the tv. That ticked me off since in the spring/summer/fall I'm always out doing stuff with my son. He also doesn't have the right to that much visitation. 3: I know that they would have wanted me to pay for the daycare costs. 4: His wife doesn't need to be in my biz. but she always finds a way to get in there. Another reason I was ticked off to find that he went to day care insted of camping is because they didn't need to lie to me, I need to know where my son is at if something should happen.

Then DJ, Jordan and I went out to do our erronds. We went to the libary and went to check out some stuff and they told me that I had a $3. Now I had no idea where that came from since I have been good lately with returning my stuff on time. I asked them with a shocked sound in my voice and they told me that it was from 3 movies. Now I swear that I returned those on time. She asked where they were droped off at and DJ told them since he was the one to drop them off and she said ok. If she took the fine off or not I have no idea. I think it's stupid to give a $1 fine for one day late, now maybe $.50 but not a $1. Last time that I had a fine a paid it they didn't take it off of my account, so the next time I went in they wanted me to pay it again. Lamo.

After that we went to hy vee cashed a check and did some shoping. Then went to Wal-mart got some more stuff. (sounds fun huh?) We got that all out of our system and headed off to Jordans School open house. He meet his teacher, that has a very odd name and looks almost identical to DJ's sister Shelly. When we were in the hall walking We saw Jordans teacher from last year and she waved. I pointed her out to Jordan but he got shy. When we walked by her she started talking to him, all he said was hi and started hiding behind me. This I thought was cute since he loved her last year and was sad to see the year end with her. I also saw and old aquaintance, Heather(do not want to call her friend even though I've knowen her since preschool). I thought it was strange that heather was there since her oldest goes to a diffrent school in town. So I stoped and asked her what was up with that. She told me that Nat.(middle child) was going there because of his learning problems ect. And that the specialist was at that school and not the one that her oldest was going to.

This is actually the 25th for me.

It seams like every time that I go on that darn site it's down for maintenance. You would think with all the money that they make off of advertisers and sales that they would be better. Now I know that it's a free to use site and all but why do they promice to put something out by a certian time and it never shows up. I mean honestly, don't go and get our hopes up and then give us nothing. And with people saying "don't complain, it's a free site". Thats not totaly true. We have to deal with the constent advertisments in our face all the time, sure they discuise them into cute little games but they are advertising none the less. And then we get addicted to the stupid game and we see some cutesie neopet thing in the store and just have to buy it. So it's realy no that free. Ok, I'm better, just had to vent.

My son comes home tomarrow, or should I say today. I can't wait to see him again, it's been about a week since he left for his dads. I think it's realy stupid that I should have  to give his father visitation. Don't get me wrong, I beleave that a non custodial parent should spend time with their kid/s but the situation I'm in is just a bit diffrent. Getting straight to the point, my sons father is an a$$ hole. Allow me to list a few things.

1. I get a whole whoping $291 a month for child support. I can barely squeek by raising Jordan on that now when he's 6, how am I suspose to pull it off when he gets older and wants more expensive things?
2. When Jordan was born he wanted nothing to do with his son, and when he finaly did ask for visitation it was his mother that wanted to visit not him. And now that he is married(just this past year) he has become more of an a$$ because his wife is pushing him. She needs to but out of my biz. After all that is what Jordan's father told me about my husband when I got married 4 years ago.
3. He has anger managemet problems. He was very violent when I was (if thats what you call it) with him. And Just 2 and a half years ago I had to put a restraing order on him since he constently verbaly harassed me, and in front of our son no less.
4. Just to feal supperior he had to put a restraing order on me at the same time, that was the deal, he wouldn't dispute the restraing order as long as he could put one on me. I don't know why I let him do that, he had nothing on me and I had 20 diffrent insodents of his verbal abuse pluse the physical abuse before Jordan was born.
5. I swear that they are brain washing Jordan. When he gets home from a visitation he tends to be violent, demanding and unrulely the next two days.
6. He lies to my son. He has told Jordan that I was fired from my job. Point one Jordan didn't need to know that, he was very upset when he told me. point number 2 I have NEVER been fired from any job. Another lie that he told was that before DJ(husband) I loved him(dad) and that I broke it off with him. Point one Jordan doesn't need to know that. Point two Jordan is tooooooo young to understand that type of love. And point three, I never loved his father, as a matter of fact I tried to get away from his father, but he wouldn't leave me alone.
7. I fear for Jordan's safety when he is with his father, both physicaly and emoitonaly.
8. He's a prick.
9. He's a prick.
10. He's a prick.
11. He's a prick.
12. He's a prick.
13. Did I say that he's a prick.

There are more than this but I'm getting tired of typing. So I'll just have to leave it at that.

Ya I know I've been saying alot about what ticks me off lately but it's my journal so I get to say what I want to.

The thing that ticks me off is that I oragionaly went to the dentist to get my top wisdom tooth pulled out and hear I am 5+ months later and it's still there. They have worked on every tooth but that one. So every month for the past five months I have been taking pain killers quite frequently, and I'm the type of person that doenst like to take any kind of medication unless I have no other choice. So that should tell you how bad it gets. I just wish this problem would have been taken care of when I first went in, insted of waiting soooooooooooo long and having to deal with the constent migranes because of it.

Well I know that the last entry says the 23rd too, but it was last night to me when I typed it so no I'm not typing 2 entrys in one day it's two diffrent days for me. It's been a blah sort of day today. My husband is at work and Jordan is with his dad, step mom and half brother camping. The weather has been kind of yuck out it's suspose to rain all week and their gone till wed. I personaly don't think that it is the best wether to have a baby to be camping in. But thats something that they'll have to wory about if he gets sick. I know that Jordan can handle it but babies and wet wether don't go together too well.

I've been having Ocasional sharp pains in my Jaw where they worked on Thrs. I hope that its nothing serious.

The night before last I was looking through my journal that I started when DJ and I got together and I found a pome that I wrote him. So last night I sat him down and read it to him, he was all teared up. How sweet.

Thats about all I have to write about. Like I said it was a blah and boring day today.

First I want to start out and say that my jaw still hurts. And I haven't had the greatest sleep lately thanks to my experance at the dentist office Thrsday. I keep having nightmares about it every night. The dreams start out fine then they head south and turn in to me having my tooth pulled. Now on with the rest of my thoughts.

Yesterday I didn't get around to post anything since I was helping Sam with her wedding favors for Kirstie. I do beleave I did a good job with those. It took me quite a few hours from start to finish but they turned out great. We'll just have to see how the bride to be likes them. After I got home Sam decided that she wanted to crash here since it was already midnight and it's not that fun driving alone at night. We were talking about a teacher we had and couldn't quite remember her name so I broke out the year books and we started remembering the good ole days. It's weard saying "back in the day" and "good ole days" since I'm only 25 and it makes me feal old to say that but there is just no other way to describe it.

We started talking about our sr prom. Origanaly I was suspose to go with Eric and she was suspose to go with Wilbur. Then Wil decided not to go and Sam found Miles. Shortly after that Eric decide to skip out and I was left with nothing. It was probably the day or two before prom and we decided that we were going to share Miles as a date. Actualy I should say sam decided to share miles with me. And before Grand March (I'm not exactly sure how this happned, maybe it was heather) But it was decided that Miles was going through grand march with me since he matched my dress.(not your normal tux, he was wearing this weard 70's/80's style suit that he used for court.) Then Sam and Heather, a 8 month pregnet heather, walked in grand march together. Man did I feal bad that they made her do that since in the march the couple would walk down stop at this mock pool, the guy would pick up a rose and give it to the girl. Now sam and heather had to do that together. I still feal bad about that now. Sorry sam! Now if it wasn't bad enough that they had to do that but in the year book in the section that says who went with who, they are forever marked in there as Sam & Heather like they went together or something. Then I found out last night that sam liked Miles. In school I thought that she liked his brother Shawn. I just want to say sam, cuz I know your reading this, if I would have knowen I wouldn't have let him hit on me that night and I would have gone home insted after your sister crashed our party. But we're booth happy now so it doesn't matter anymore, I just wanted to say that.

After a few other memories I started talking about Wilbur(my first love). Now we had broken up early our Sr year, he was a sophmore i bleave. Ney ways, I told sam that even after we graduated that I still herd from wilbur quite offten untill sudenly he stopped when I was about 8months pregnet with my son. No its not wils kid, Jordan(my son) happned because his bastard father date raped me. ect ect ect.(its a whole other subject that I'm very emotional about). Any how like I was saying I still heard from and saw wilbur quite often untill I was 8 months pregnet and then I never saw him again(well maybe 2 times in the past six years just because i bumped into him in the store.). I found out through sam that he was seeing this new girl and I guess that she was a bitch and controling of wil. But then they broke up and I still never saw him. It just makes me wonder If he didn't go out with that particular girl if we would still be friends. It has been bugging me for about 2 years now of what happned to him. Every once in awile I mention something to sam but in never goes further than that. Maybe someday we will tack him down and I'll get to talk to him again. Sam asked me what if that girl didn't go out with wil. would we have gotten together. I realy don't know if we would have gotten togher again but  I dont think that we would have stayed togher. He was a wonderful friend and I think, no, I know that is why I fell in love with him. But he was my first love, you live you grow and looking back now, the love I had for wil was a love for a true friend. He was my first and will always hold a special place in my heart for that. Something keeps telling me that I need to track wil down and reunite and be friends again. It's weird concidering 90% of the people of my past I would like to forget.  I think I need to go on one of those talk shows and do a reunion ep.

Another thing that I wanted to write about before I go to bed is Kristie. Now in high School I couldn't stand the girl. I tried my hardest and put on my best face every day sice she was sams friend. It was no secret that I didn't like her. I didn't hate her or anything, we were just complete oppsites and it bugged me. The thing that started it all was when Wilbur and I first got together. Thats when I first met her and I found out through wils friend DJ that wil and kristie had a past. So as a jelous teen I turned agenst her and the fude(so to speek) began. Now I'm older and (hopefuly) wiser, and jelousy realy doesn't show it's uggly head with me anymore. I can honestly say that I have never gotten jelous over anyone from my husbands past. I'm not saying that I don't get jelous of something that someone has(meaning material possesions) but its more like envy and wishful thinking. When I catch my self doing that I try to turn it to congratulations and fealing happy for them even if they are starngers. Not too many people know that about me, mainly because I keep it to my self when I do so people don't think I'm weard since they expect me to act the oppset. Any how back to Kristie. Now days I've gone with sam to visit Kristie twice and have talked to her on the net once before that and shes a great person now. Heck I even helped to make her wedding favors. The only thing I can say is that people grow up, change, become diffrent people. Those who were once enemys can end up friends.